Dark spots

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Well, on this blog at least.

I’ve started a diary. I was thinking about how it’s hard for me to understand other people, because I can’t read them. I feel alone because I don’t know how anyone else feels. And I want people to understand me, when they can’t judge me.

I thought about how much it would have helped me if my mom had kept a diary during her teenage years and given it to me. So I would know that I’m not alone in the things I’m feeling. It’s one thing to be told you’re not alone, it’s another to have evidence of another’s feelings.

So I started a diary. The plan is that when I day, whether I die sooner or later, my family reads it and that it may help my children.

I wrote some more chapters for my stories.

I’m writing on Quora to help others.

It’s holidays now. It’s supposed to be a break, but it doesn’t feel like one. I’m tense all the time, I can’t just relax for some reason.

I have two part time jobs now. Babysitting and delivering. I make 26 euros a week, so about 100 euros a month, about 1200 euros a year. That’s a rough estimate, but, you know.

I’m pretty exited for my job. Don’t get the wrong idea from reading this, there are bright spots in my life, my friends being one of them. All my friends live in different cities or even countries, but this holiday I’m having a sleepover with one, and at summer camp there will be a bunch of friends too.

Another semi-bright spot is that I’m going to fail the school year. I know, most people would hate it, but I’m looking at it optimistically. It’ll give me time to get my stuff together, and if I need anything right now, it’s time.

It’s not like I had any friends in my previous class, friendly as they were, so I’m not losing much. The only problem is that I’m disappointing the people in my life. I’ll just have to deal with it, I guess.

Another school related problem is my job aims. I want to be an architect, an actor, a writer, a photographer, or a traveller. I’m failing Maths, I can’t even finish writing a fanfiction, actor dreams are very unrealistic, I don’t have enough confidence in succes that I’m willing to invest in a camera, and I don’t have enough money to just travel the world.

The only subject I’m really outstanding in is Art, and that’s only because I’m the only one that takes it seriously.

I did run 4100 meters in 24 minutes for charity, though, which makes me feel better about myself. 130 euros to charity is something I am allowed to boast about.

I spent this whole day just lying in bed and reading. It’s my fixation, I guess. Reading. I usually spend half a day just reading fiction. I’ve been doing it since I learned to read.

It helps me learn, it’s fun, I identify with the characters. I’ve lived and learned through them. They, well, the’e made me who I am today.