Relationships are Complicated

I realized not long ago that I’ll never love him the same way he loves me, and that’s okay.

Here’s the context.

My boyfriend adores me, loves me, misses me so much it hurts, he tells me. I feel bad, because I don’t want him to hurt. He says he can’t live without me, can’t stand not being with me, wishes we’ll be together forever.

I, however, don’t miss him as much as I think I should. Yes, I love him, but I don’t obsess over him. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand how he can love and trust with all his heart.

But, I guess, that’s alright. As long as we love each other, we care about eachother, it doesn’t matter we love differently, right?

I’m worried for him. What if I have to move away, or die, or for some reason leave him? How would he cope? I’m worried he wouldn’t cope.

I guess I feel kind of forced into staying with him, even though I want to. Not that I would ever tell him that.

Dark spots

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Well, on this blog at least.

I’ve started a diary. I was thinking about how it’s hard for me to understand other people, because I can’t read them. I feel alone because I don’t know how anyone else feels. And I want people to understand me, when they can’t judge me.

I thought about how much it would have helped me if my mom had kept a diary during her teenage years and given it to me. So I would know that I’m not alone in the things I’m feeling. It’s one thing to be told you’re not alone, it’s another to have evidence of another’s feelings.

So I started a diary. The plan is that when I day, whether I die sooner or later, my family reads it and that it may help my children.

I wrote some more chapters for my stories.

I’m writing on Quora to help others.

It’s holidays now. It’s supposed to be a break, but it doesn’t feel like one. I’m tense all the time, I can’t just relax for some reason.

I have two part time jobs now. Babysitting and delivering. I make 26 euros a week, so about 100 euros a month, about 1200 euros a year. That’s a rough estimate, but, you know.

I’m pretty exited for my job. Don’t get the wrong idea from reading this, there are bright spots in my life, my friends being one of them. All my friends live in different cities or even countries, but this holiday I’m having a sleepover with one, and at summer camp there will be a bunch of friends too.

Another semi-bright spot is that I’m going to fail the school year. I know, most people would hate it, but I’m looking at it optimistically. It’ll give me time to get my stuff together, and if I need anything right now, it’s time.

It’s not like I had any friends in my previous class, friendly as they were, so I’m not losing much. The only problem is that I’m disappointing the people in my life. I’ll just have to deal with it, I guess.

Another school related problem is my job aims. I want to be an architect, an actor, a writer, a photographer, or a traveller. I’m failing Maths, I can’t even finish writing a fanfiction, actor dreams are very unrealistic, I don’t have enough confidence in succes that I’m willing to invest in a camera, and I don’t have enough money to just travel the world.

The only subject I’m really outstanding in is Art, and that’s only because I’m the only one that takes it seriously.

I did run 4100 meters in 24 minutes for charity, though, which makes me feel better about myself. 130 euros to charity is something I am allowed to boast about.

I spent this whole day just lying in bed and reading. It’s my fixation, I guess. Reading. I usually spend half a day just reading fiction. I’ve been doing it since I learned to read.

It helps me learn, it’s fun, I identify with the characters. I’ve lived and learned through them. They, well, the’e made me who I am today.

People Stuffz

Okay, so when I’m at school, in the break time or when the teacher step out for a moment or walking to classes or in any free time I might have, I’m reading. That’s because I can’t find any genuinely captivating apps like games, I can’t draw because there’s so little time and space at school, I can’t listen to music because every earbuds I’ve ever owned broke, and I’m not going to talk to anyone. Psssshh, talking? Who does that these days? -Nervous laughter- Continue reading

Drawing

This is getting a bit weird. So over the last few months when I have nothing to do I’ve been drawing a few things, mostly just copying others, because it’s fun. Just a few drawings, nothing much, not that good either.

But then today I was about to continue writing a CaptainSparklez fanfiction, when a song came on the radio that just screamed CaptainSparklez/waglington to me, even though I don’t ship them… (Well, didn’t. Now I do.) And for some reason my go-to was to draw them. Not write, draw. Continue reading

Diagnosises

So I’ve been officially diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a form of autism, a few years ago. It’s common that a person with Asperger’s Syndrome has other mental disorders as well. Then a few weeks back I started researching ADHD, and saw a lot of things I can relate to. I went on a mad research spree, like Stiles levels of research, and now I’m being tested for ADD.

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How my family ruined Death Note

Some time ago, a few years or something, my mom, step-dad and one or two of my brothers and I watched the first Death Note movie. At the time I absolutely loved it and immediately asked that we watch the second movie, which my mother understandably denied because it was already waaay past my bedtime. A few days later mom told me to go wash my hair, so I did. When I was done and went back downstairs my family was watching Death Note 2,and already at the end of the movie so I saw a lot of spoilers. They hadn’t told me that they would watch it, hadn’t asked me to join or even waited until I was done showering. It felt like I wasn’t even there, like I wasn’t part of the family, and that hurt.

So the result was a screaming match(well on my end at least), tears and the most insincere apology I’ve ever heard. They didn’t even feel bad.

So the movie was ruined and I never watched Death Note again because I had already seen the ending. Thanks a lot.

 

Random rambling

Speaking is hard. Sometimes when I’m in a group conversation or just any conversation I want to say something, but can’t think of the right words to say it. By the time I do the other has already moved on. But when I call attention to me and then think of the right things to say, the other stares at me like ‘what?’ and that doesn’t help with concentrating. So after a few moments the other just goes on.
Recently I’ve just said what I wanted to say without trying to find the right words for the other to understand, because then they stop and think about what the hell I meant and I find the right words and say it again. The problem with that is that the other looks at me with a ‘well why didn’t you say that immediately?’ look. There’s just no figuring this out.

School, yay. Today my art teacher got really mad at someone who said ‘the f word’ and send them out. Which is crazy really because even some teachers use ‘fuck’, ‘hell’, ect. and we’re thirteen and fourteen year olds. You can’t expect us not to curse. And she was yelling at someone who said ‘well Miss everyone uses it’ that you can’t use it in her classroom- which is perfectly reasonable- and then she pointed at people who were normally well-behaved and said ‘Do you see her using the f- word? Or her?’ and coincidentally I was one of those people. It was a bit awkward because while I was pretty calm and quiet in her lessons, I’m also the type of person who curses under hr breath a lot if something goes wrong. In my mind I was just thinking ‘Oh hell no, please don’t drag me into this’. In the end it wasn’t anything big.

Ok I’m disturbed. I’m playing Cookie Clicker, it’s Valentine’s Day season, and instead of golden cookies there are hearts with sweet valentine messages on them. Just now I got one that just said ‘help’. O.O

Future

Do you ever think about what the future will hold? What am I saying, of course you do. That’s all humanity seems to do nowadays. Although I can’t really complain, since I’m doing it right now.

But I’m not talking about college, or marriage, or any other milestone in your life. I’m talking about a hundred or so years later, 2117.

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